ADHD – A Parent’s Perspective

 

 

 

I have a child with ADHD/ODD and Sensory Processing issues. We became the reluctant owners of this diagnosis last year when Master 5 started school, our world and his changed in a moment and we never saw it coming. I believed ADHD was an overused label, merely an excuse for lack of discipline. How ignorant was I. I’ve learnt a lot over the past 12 months and realise just how little I actually know. We were lucky and got help relatively quickly, after trialing other options we finally came to terms with the fact that we needed to medicate our then 5 year old son. Our initial run with medication was traumatic and we questioned our decision, once we found a medication that worked the world changed for all of us. We had our calm, kind, very loving, considerate, caring, sensitive, funny little man back. We no longer had the disconnected, angry, shadow of a child we had been living with for most of that year. We heard wonderful things from school: “We’re so proud of how hard he’s working”, “There’s no visible difference between him and any other child in the classroom.” He was moving through reading levels, focused and engaged in class catching up on all that he’d missed out on that first year, and reestablishing friendships. This lasted around 8 months and we now find ourselves back on the roller coaster ride that will be our journey for many years to come, meds have stopped working.

The reason for this blog; as teachers you will at some stage have a child with ADHD in your classroom, I want to share a parents perspective of their child’s and family’s journey. I would like to introduce you to the real child in your classroom that can’t focus, fidgets, can’t sit still, blurts things out, is disruptive, aggressive and disrespectful at times, that is prone to meltdowns and over reacts to real and perceived social injustices. That child might have you thinking/saying, “it was unprovoked”, “nothing happened” or “they’re doing it on purpose”, “they can focus/behave when they want to”, “they’re just being naughty”. I want to state very clearly, this is not a criticism of teachers, we have found ourselves in frustration, saying all of the above about our son. We have been blessed with some very understanding and compassionate educators that have been on this journey alongside us. I want this post to provide an insight into the bigger picture and a better understanding of all that is going on for that child, what you don’t see. I am by no means an expert on ADHD, we are learning as we go, but what I’ve encountered over the last 12 months is a lack of understanding around these hidden disabilities from friends, family, parents and educators. ADHD isolates, not only those afflicted by it but those that care for them. As we embark on another roller coaster ride, that involves meltdowns, anxiety and regular correspondence from our son’s school, and as we try to navigate our way to that sweet spot with meds again, I’m taken back to the beginning of our journey last year. I see my son moving quickly from a place of positivity to a place of negativity and I need others to understand just how hard a day in the life of an ADHDer can be.

One of the key things to understand with ADHD is that it impacts executive function. Executive function includes things like working memory, focus, effort, planning and emotional regulation. Executive Function in ADHD brains is delayed by up to 30%. What does this mean? It means that Master 6’s executive age is 4, he’s expected to be able to regulate his emotions and manage himself in line with his peers. That child in your class that’s 9 has an executive age of 6. That 18 year old driving a car has the executive function of a 12 year old, scary isn’t it! (https://graceunderpressure.blog/2017/10/16/what-is-my-childs-executive-function-age/). 

There are 3 types of ADHD, inattentive (the daydreamers), hyperactive impulsive and combined. Master 6 is hyperactive impulsive, this doesn’t mean he’s climbing all over things and it doesn’t mean he can’t sit still – he can, he can sit for hours quietly engaged in something that interests him. It does mean he needs to move to learn, he’s impulsive – he knows right from wrong but sometimes he doesn’t pause to think, in these moments he can’t draw on hindsight. He is hyper focused, doesn’t transition well especially if he’s mid task or engrossed in something he’s enjoying. What interests him may change from day to day, what works from day to day will also change. He requires transition countdowns to be able to move smoothly from task to task, visual reminders and brain breaks. All ADHD types struggle to quiet their brain, their minds race, they can think about a multitude of things at once and are easily distracted because of this. It is difficult for them to quiet their brains, to learn. Master 6 tells me that at the moment learning is hard as he can’t focus and therefore doesn’t understand what is going on in the classroom, he listens to his teacher but doesn’t process what she is saying, this creates negative internal dialogue, this creates anxiety. Simple tasks are complex – too many instructions and they get lost. The simple task of getting ready some mornings can be torturous for all of us. The routine: breakfast, dressed, teeth, hair, shoes, school bag – the same everyday, but somedays he can leave the room to get dressed and come back 5 minutes later in his pyjamas perplexed as to why we are frustrated with him. We can ask him to do something simple whilst he’s standing in front of us and he can’t process, even when we’ve asked multiple times. The structure of the classroom, moving from one lesson to the next can be frustrating for him. Imagine that it’s taken you 15 minutes to get your head around what is required of you for math and you’re now on task, but hold on a second we’re moving on to science, but you’re just getting started! He’s 6 (technically 4), frustrated, anxious, feeling stupid and constantly trying so hard to keep up but always feeling like he’s failing. The above explanation doesn’t even touch the surface of how complicated ADHD can be. I’ll leave it to Dr Russell A. Barkley and The 30 Essential Ideas Everyone Needs to Know, to explain in more depth should you be curious to know more. 

ADHD is a hidden disability, it’s visible at times but mostly when you look at my son or others with ADHD you see an articulate, sensitive, compassionate, funny and often times smart/gifted child. What may take you by surprise is the volatility of these children, the 0-100 in a nanosecond and the meltdown that ensues. You may see resistance to learning and to trying in those that have spent years in an education system that isn’t made for their brains, their internal and external dialogue one of negativity and failure. To illustrate, Master 5 last year spent more time in the school office than he did in the classroom, he couldn’t cope with the structure, the sitting still, the focus required, the constant stimulation and the movement from one activity to the next, not understanding what was expected of him. All he heard was how naughty he was, at times this was said directly to him and other times it was implied. We spent every night, still do, talking about acceptable behaviour, being a safe learner, why he’s been sent home from school, why he was removed from class – a constant stream of commentary on how he’s getting it all wrong. More pressure. Lectures at school, lectures at home – can I ever do anything right! His peers classmates and older students tease him. He knew what he was doing was wrong and each night he would come home and cry himself to sleep, telling me he didn’t want to have ADHD, he didn’t want to be different, he wanted to be a good boy and that he can’t control what he is doing when things escalate. We face this again now, after 8 plus months of calm, positive dialogue and a huge amount of learning, we are back to square one. His anxiety is through the roof, this on top of ADHD doesn’t bode well for effective learning or the ability to self regulate. I have a 6 year old that tells me he would prefer to be dead than have ADHD. I don’t mean to shock, but this is the reality for a lot of children and adults with ADHD. I share this with you so that you see a bigger picture, you see past the bad behaviour, the meltdown, you see the child that is struggling in so many ways. No child/adult would choose to be this way, it results in social isolation, bullying and constant negative feedback.

I want you to know the pressure they are under, understand that their social cues are off, that they sometimes don’t have that filter we have in situations that make them upset or angry. We pause and understand that lashing out verbally or physically isn’t appropriate, they aren’t able to pause sometimes. I am in no way making excuses for bad behaviour, my son needs to learn this, there needs to be a consequence in response to his actions, but know that that consequence more than likely won’t stop him from having the same reaction again. I can assure you that when my son gets sent home from school it isn’t a reward, he does school work until 3pm. Medication helps, it allows his brain to slow down and pause and make good choices but it doesn’t “fix” things.

When a child is escalated and unable to self soothe, whether they have sensory issues, Autism or ADHD steer clear, don’t engage, try to remain calm. Understand that in these moments these children are in fight or flight mode, it’s primal. I watch Master 6 when he’s heightened like this, he’s like a caged animal looking for a fight. There is no reaching him, lectures, judgement and stern words exacerbate these situations. Think of a time when you have been furious or upset with someone, having that person, any person in your face trying to talk to you in those moments is never well received. I know how confronting these moments can be and I understand your priorities are other students and your safety and that disengaging is not always an option, I just ask that you see past the wild thing in front of you and recognise the struggle that is occuring. If things haven’t escalated past the point of no return, try and distract, take them outside to bounce or kick a ball, push and pull activities, heavy lifting, anything physical can help ground them. Crunching on ice, drinking ice cold water can also help them literally cool down. The same applies for a child that is in overload and withdraws, this is what you strive for with these children, the ability to understand where they are at and remove themselves when they are getting overwhelmed, to self soothe and get themselves back on track. Give them the space to do that, don’t make a fuss or try and engage, leave them to find their centre, they will come back when they’re ready.

The impact of these meltdowns isn’t lost on these children. I can’t speak for all of those with ADHD but I know the remorse, self loathing and shame my 6 year old feels. He forever pays for his outbursts, with children who know how to push his buttons, who tell him he’s a “naughty boy”, who delight in reliving his misdemeanors, the social isolation, the wariness he sees and feels from those around him. I understand this, I walk on eggshells with him at times too. An adult wrote this recently on one of the ADHD groups and I post this with his permission:

“adhd and me, we are like a stick of dynamite with a short short fuse………..there’s no time to wait and reason, just explodes there and then………. I know what I’m doing is wrong, I am able to observe it happening and I get so easily frustrated twice over, 1 for the trigger and 2 for the fool I’m making of myself (even though I may be the only witness).
I feel my fists clench, teeth grit, I try in micro seconds to blow out the fuse……. (sometime it might work). Its the shortest fuse.
Is it anxiety or is it depression acting as the fuse, making me feel more irritable? How do I work out whats bugging me?”

This so honestly reflects a moment in time for someone with ADHD. I see this with my son. If a reason isn’t visible don’t look for one, sometimes the trigger may be obvious and at times it won’t be. It could be harsh words on the playground that have wounded, add to this the pressure of the classroom and they’re at tipping point. Understand that meltdown, whether it’s fight or flight simply means overload. Understand that anxiety can cause over sensitivity, a perception of social injustice. It is also important to understand that its common for those with ADHD to have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This makes them over sensitive and at times a little paranoid.

Understand that as parents most of us aren’t making excuses for behaviour, we live it everyday. ADHD doesn’t allow for rose coloured glasses!! This is our journey and we will do everything to advocate and support our children and you. And please know, that for some of us (most certainly myself) humour is our way of dealing with the chaos that can be our lives at times, it’s not used to diminish the seriousness of the situation, it’s a coping mechanism. I dread my phone ringing of late, of opening emails and I constantly worry about how we will navigate this disability throughout the years. These children’s school lives will most likely be fraught with negativity, failure, ostracism, cruelty, lack of understanding and constant negative dialogue because their brains are wired differently.  In all honesty, I struggle with the social ostracism, the perceived judgement from parents, friends, family and yes, sometimes educators, but I struggle mostly with the visible pain these children are in.

You do an amazing job every single day, I see how hard you work and how much you care. I see how exhausted you are and I know how exhausting and confronting my child can be, I see the complexity he adds to your classroom, but I ask that you try and see past all that and see the child that is struggling and know that their words and actions come from a place of frustration, confusion and hurt. Educate yourself and others, build compassion and understanding with students about these invisible disabilities. Life would be a little easier if children understood things like ADHD, Autism, sensory processing disorders. I would love to see this taught in schools, it would have such a positive impact for these kids, who spend the majority of their time there, to be understood and supported by their peers, and who knows it might result in fewer meltdowns.

I know that if I can get my son through his school years in one piece mentally and emotionally, in and education system that does not support anything other than the “norm”, whatever that is, he will thrive once he finds his purpose. If he finds his passion ADHD will be the thing that makes him successful, it will be his strength. The hyper focus and ability to multi task will be his success. My fear, that we won’t be able to drown out the negative words and actions of those that don’t understand throughout his school journey and that this will be too much for his kind and gentle soul.

Some other great resources that offer insights into ADHD behaviour:

How to ADHD
ADHD teaching strategies
ADDitude Mag
Anything by Dr Russell A. Barkley – he has made several informative youtube videos.